Take a risk..

A friend told me that I lost my confidence and self-esteem. It's sad to know but I realized that it's true. And I realized just recently.

I thought that I am back to my old self.. but I was wrong.. fear still lies deep inside me..

Now is the time to let go of that fear!

You never know when someone

might catch a dream from you - how will you know if you don't take the risk? Or something you say may open up the windows of a mind that seeks light;

The way you live may not matter at all but you never know.

And just in case it could be that another's life, through you, might possibly change for the better with a better and brighter view,

It seems it may be worth a try at pointing the way to the right.

It may not matter at all, but you will never know..

life will never be a bed of roses

it was only last year when i found out that at last i'm emotionally matured.. after 28 long years.. wheww! that was long!!

before, fear is all around me.. inside and out.. fear that i won't be able to face life's challenges.. and wether you like it or not.. you'll have to face those challenges..

after all, life will never be a bed of roses

and as you face those, your strength and faith will be tested..

i had suffered enough.. yes.. and as i looked back those years of sufferings, i feel the happiness that i never felt for the longest time in my life.. happy for i was able to gain back the life that i truly wanted..

here i am now.. happy.. contented.. i guess so.. but wait.. man is never contented, until he is with his creator.. well, i guess there is something missing.. but it will come, if not now, in the future..

don't look for it... let it find you..

blue birthday..

january 12, 2009

my 29th birthday, this day is supposed to be my day.. i should be excited and happy.. right.. happy.. but how can i be happy if my precious ones are away? and i will be an hypocrite if i will tell you that i'm not longing for someone to share my life with..

a friend asked me, "What have you learned from your experiences last year?" i replied, "i realized that i gained emotional maturity only last year." if you will ask why? my posts will answer that for you..

emotional maturity.. is there really such? i don't know.. maybe.. well, maybe there is but not as human beings emotional maturity varies.. this is the day wherein i'm not emotionally stable.. poor me!

i need to let this out! even in the form of blogging and drawing.. after all these acts are one of my best friends..

i won't be yours..

i won't be yours
it's long over
there's nothing more to talk about
why can't you set me free?

all i can give is friendship
i don't have love to offer
for it was long gone
you wasted it..

my prayer is for you to accept the fact that we can't be together again..
i had moved on.. i am happy now.. happiness that i didn't felt when i was with you..
i'm praying that you will find your own happiness too..
so you can completely set me free..

wicked people

a movie is no good without a villain.. in real life.. how i wish that those kinds of people do not exist.. for they do not do any good to anyone..



wicked people.. are there really wicked people? i am wondering.. don't they have hearts? don't they know what peace means? my wish for this season is for them.. i wish that they will find peace in their hearts and accept the reality that this is now the life that we are living.. and it will never be the same again.. i wish that everyone will move on.. that each of us is now living separate lives.. and that each of us deserves to have the life that we wanted.. it may not be perfect.. who in the world has one? but what is important is that you are happy and that you are not living under anyone's shadow.. i thought that they gave me love.. for the longest time in my life i've been fooled.. but it was over.. and i will never allow myself to be fooled again..

clay

how i wish that man is like a clay
which you can mold easily
how i wish that everybody will see
the direction where i want them to be

are you the one who breaks easily?
yes, that could be me..
but it certainly doesn't mean that fragility
because there is a strength in me..

how will you know if you are ready?

how will you know if you are ready? do you need to ask for signs? do you need to wait for the perfect time?

or you will just know it.. you will just feel it.. you will just feel it if you are ready to take a chance again.. if you are ready to let it beat again.. without hesitation.. without the fear of the possibility that you might be hurt again..

well.. he might be the one.. your destiny.. nobody knows.. unless you take your chance..

now are you ready to fall in love again?

been a while..

it's been a while since i posted notes..

what's keeping me busy? hmmm.. work? yes.. work:)
getting used to a lot of pressures.. hahaha! but i noticed that in the past days i forgot to smile.. oh my! this is a bad sign! i should learn how to smile again.. hooked with eyeQ :(

i miss this.. posting notes..

in time

things are slowly going to the direction where i want them to be. it's a combined feeling of happiness and contentment to know that you have done something right, that you are slowly accomplishing something not only for your own personal satisfaction but the for the good of everybody.

thinking of the things that are happening makes me smile.. i'm good with this.. i believe so.. since i always get whatever i want by giving my best shot.. but really, you can't have everything.. you may be blessed in some aspects but you can't have everything at one time.

i may not get the thing that will completely make me happy for now but still i am optimistic that it will come.. not so soon.. but in time..

ONE DAY this mask will be NO MORE.

One day there will be no more mask for her to wear.

One day her beliefs will be known.

One day she'll know her place in this life.

One day she will share herself.

ONE DAY this mask will be NO MORE.

these are my lines before .. so grateful that this happened!

eternal love

nothing compares to a love of a mom to her kids. bearing a child in her womb is a matter of life and death.

she carries her baby for nine long months without worrying what she looks like.. without the fear of death..

labor pains.. ouch! i remembered the pains i felt during my delivery of justine.. it was exactly the same feeling when i had my labor with my first born, jeff. but it was fulfilling. it was not pleasant but yes.. it was fulfilling..

motherhood is not an obligation but a commitment..

a commitment for a lifetime..

it doesn't stop at giving birth..

a mother's love is eternal..

nurturing a child is one of a woman's worth.. a mom may experience the lowest point in her life but still.. in her mind.. in her soul.. is the welfare of her kids.. she may experience hurt but she will not mind it.. she keeps her hope.. faith.. that everything will be fine.. everything will be fine..

Artemis

i'm braver now..

i'm ready to fight for my right.. nobody can control my life and i will not allow it.. if i will.. i will be living in the dark again and i don't want it to happen..

28 years of living in a naive world i created.. crazy me!

it was just recently that i discovered that i'm truly independent emotionally.. but i will give credit to the people around me who are always there to guide and comfort me.. without them my life is total mess..

i'm fragile.. but because of them i became strong and doesn't easily break.. and because of them..

i will be a woman of strength forever..

loving life!

"look within.. are you satisfied with the life you're living?"

-Bob Marley

this qoute is one of the reasons or should i say.. made me decide to take the path that i'm currently taking.. i don't want to go back to those memories again and again.. but i don't want to erase it.. for those memories were part of me.. it made the whole me.. it helped me become the woman i am seeing in me..

taking a deeper look within me.. i can say that i'm satisfied, never been this happy before.. some may say that i'm still wearing a mask and i should reveal my true feelings.. but the hell i care.. this is the true me.. no masks at all..

sometimes, it's very hard to convince people that you're really ok.. because they don't believe it.. and i hate it when they gave me special attention.. as if i am helpless.. i'm not used to getting those kind of attention because i'm a giver.. not much of a taker.. i don't want that people will pity me.. because i am a survivor and i always will..

loving life! yes.. i'm loving the life i'm in.. it may not be perfect.. but i'm perfectly happy with it.. i know that man will never gain satisfaction, but at this very moment.. i have achieved satisfaction, i'm pretty sure that this will change.. just like a wild beast.. i will always survive..

haunted

i'm free.. yes.. but still flashes of memories are still haunting me.. i'm happy.. yes.. but still there's a scar that's left within me.. a scar from my past.. there are no more pains.. but it's so deep that it turned me into a different being..

fears..

fear of being hurt again.. fear of betrayal..

i need to regain TRUST.. for i want to be complete again..

being a hero.. it's absurd!

each of us encountered difficult moments in our lives.. some people suffered from poverty, some suffered from abuse, some claimed that they're victims of love..this used to be my claim.. a victim of love..but when we come to think of all the things that happened.. it's all because we let it happened to us.. so who is there to blame? of course it's not him and not her.. it's you... and it's only you..

one of the realizations that i learned was life is what we make it.. it is only you who can shape your future.. your destiny.. that fairy tale does not exists.. those stories are product of man's imagination..

also, if we love someone.. we should not give it our all.. it's not bad to be selfish at times.. think of yourself first before others...think of all the consequences of your actions.. will it benefit you? will it benefit your partner? or will it benefit only one person? giving your all is a suicide.. ask yourself first.. if i cannot give him/her this much for now.. is he/she willing to accept me? or you have started to give it your all.. what if you realize at a later time that it's not healthy? will it do good to the both of you? so when will you stop? if you're drowning and can't hardly breath and if your near to death?

acceptance and understanding..these are very important in a long lasting relationship.. but this should not be one-sided.. otherwise..

lay your cards.. don't pretend to be something who you are not..

being a hero.. it's absurd!

after the storm..

after the storm.. here comes the sun..

the pains in the core of my soul was no longer felt..

i accepted the universe and it was great!

rare love

my love is rare.. it is unconditional.. i seldom set my eyes on someone..

even if it's killing me.. i have to let go..

fear

i am fearless. that's what i thought until i saw an email trail way back in july. it consisted all the heartaches and pains of my closest friends including me.. when i read that email again.. mixed emotions was felt.. 'twas funny.. sad.. but the saddest thing that i learned was, i realized that fear lies within me.. fear of being hurt again.. i realized that my experience made me into someone i don't know.. i can't imagine myself being with someone again.. i gained my life back, but there's something that was taken away from me.. TRUST.. it's so hard to trust someone again.. i'm not sure if i will ever get it back.. time can only tell..

finding your passion..

August 15, 2008 - the most memorable day of my life.. this was the day when i finally gained my freedom.. after more than a decade.. 'twas a very good feeling.. after the stormy days.. here i am.. still facing life gracefully.. free from worries.. free from being hurt..

passion -- i used to be a very passionate person.. i have passion over a lot of things.. art, music, religion, in everything i do , i always do it with passion.. everything, to me is an art.. but my passion died with me when i was with him..

but now.. im free from bondage.. i will continue to find my passion and i will never let it die..

Rome wasn't built in a day..

Here i am again.. the optimist!

I want something.. and knowing me.. I know that I will not stop if I will not get it.. maybe not so soon.. but in time..

After all.. Rome wasn't built in a day..

my ordinary day..

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot try the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

I'll make it there

easy to walk right in and out of my life

bitter days are over..

bitter days are over.. i have left all the pains, frustrations, anger, all "evil forces" within me.. LOL! but really.. after releasing all my emotions.. after revealing all the skeletons in my closet.. i am well.. i felt like i was healed from a dreaded disease.. it is really a wonderful feeling when you look at the world positively again.. and you are not acting as the victim.. and you don't blame someone why it happened to you..

now i can say that i am ready to embrace the world again..

i have started to bring back the real ME!

my new journey..

i will be leaving so soon.. i have the permission of my bosses.. i will soon have the freedom that i wanted.. it's so sad that i will be leaving.. i will miss all my love ones.. my friends.. but i will have to do this.. if not i will not have my life back.. getting out of my comfort zone.. i guess this is very hardest part.. hard because i am used to be with my friends.. they're there to understand me.. to be with me always.. i will miss the moments that we're together.. we share the same laughter.. we share the same sentiments.. same likes and dislikes.. but because i want to have my life back.. i will have to sacrifice.. but i know that someday, somewhere we will be together soon..

i will truly miss you guys..

freedom..

after more than a decade of bondage.. here i am.. will soon be out of the cell of hell.. this will happen very, very soon.. next week.. or the first week of august.. very, very soon.. i will be completely happy.

it's a very good feeling that i was able to let go of my emotions.. of my anger.. not really, because i did not felt anger when i told my friends that i wanted to be free finally.. all my hesitations were gone.. all my fears were vanished.. and i was amazed that i did not feel any fear of being alone.. i have my friends and i am right.. they love me unconditionally.. they're my shelter.. they're even shocked when i told them the story of life.. they don't even have a clue.. except for carl.. but emily.. my dear emily.. she did not noticed even a single clue.. i even asked her if she recalled when we were at the smoking area in the office.. when i said that i wanted to shout.. she just replied no..

I am so thankful to have a mom like mine.. my jeff and my justine.. and my crazy but brilliant friends..

I love you all!

You are my life!

when will this end?

this feeling is very peculiar.. i hate it for i should not be feeling this way.. i want to ignore it.. forget it..

everyday.. every minute.. i'm getting sick of this feeling.. why did it changed the whole me? me, who used to very certain that every move i took is right.. who used to be very cautious in making decisions..

why did it changed me?
this is not me!
when will this end?

outspoken me..

i am not surprised why i did it..

i always say what i need to say.. not what i want to say.. i've been so outspoken all my life..that it leads me into trouble.. grrrr! i'm not cautious again..

but it's me..simply me.. what can i do?

now tell me..
do you find it amusing?
do you find it cute?
or are you irritated?

"I am a geek.. i have no sports..i'm a loser"

so what? does it make you less a man?

i don't understand why someone with a very magnificent personality doesn't believe in himself... considered himself as a loser..

is it because of his past? is it because of the pains that he went through?

fear lies deep within him.. but i'm certain that he will soon gain the mastery of overcoming that fear..

in search for my happiness..

i have completely decided to free myself my pains.. after all, i have the right to own my happiness.. this is my life.. i should not let anyone hinder me to own it..

i've been so understanding.. so patient.. i knew it from then that i will not be happy if i will spend the rest of my life with him.. but i only considered the people around us.. i realized that it should be my whole being that should be considered the first.. i thought that i will make them happy if i will stay.. but i was wrong.. how can i give happiness if i don't have it?

so naive.. i thought that i can make all things happen.. when i looked back through those years.. it made me smile.. not because of the happy memories but because my sad experiences.. those experiences made me stronger.. those experiences made the real me.. and i will use those experiences in my search for happiness..

strange feeling...

i can't understand the feeling that i have right now.. i'm missing someone..

is this right?

sad man and women..

sad man.. sad women..

broken hearts club.. man really can't have it all.. some are blessed with good looks.. some with riches.. some are blessed with friends.. but sucks when it comes to what we called LOVE..

well..we just have to accept the fact that life is not always be a bed of roses.. we may be living in pain and misery but what is important is we continue living..

who knows? our destiny is just around..

look within..

Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you're living?

this is a qoute by a jamaican singer, composer and a guitarist, the legendary BOB MARLEY.. this qoute bewildered me..

my 28 years of existence is not enough for me to find the real me.. the true meaning of life.. thoughts of freedom are always there..

i asked one of my friends about my weaknesses, he only said one thing.. i'm not a risk taker..he said that life's a gamble and that i should always grab every opportunity that comes along my way..

taking risks! will it do good? maybe yes.. maybe not, i'm not certain.. i have every opportunity to be free..but i can't understand why i always choose not to.. unfair that my ideals brought me here.. i thought that he will be my refuge when they part ways.. i thought that living with my ideals and my principles were the best.. i was fifteen years old then.. will i blame them? tired of asking questions to myself..i know i can't answer 'em all.. soul searching temporarily ceased these thoughts.. but again when you wake up you will be facing those again.. again and again..tiresome!

funny feeling when i give advise to people.. they considered me as a coach.. a counselor.. they will listen to me.. but even i, can't give recommendations to myself..

i'm tired of confrontations..
i'm tired of reconciliations..
i'm tired of giving..
i'm tired of living..

insensitive...

how can you be so insensitive?

i spent half of the years of my existence with you.. you alone.. i give to you my all..

you made me happy, yes.. i don't know..

promises.. promises.. why can't you keep your promises? i'm tired.. so tired that i feel like i'm dying...

still holding on...

why is it too hard to let go?

life's unfair.. frequently uttered words.. she who always do what is right, even if it seems not right.. she who keeps holding on desperately.. for someone who doesn't care.. yeah.. care.. i guess..i'm not sure... so hard to understand things, so hard to let go..

again and again.. why is it too hard to let go? pasabta ko!

deep in my soul..

people may see me as a very strong woman.. despite of all the challenges that i've been through i'm still here bravely standing.. but fear lies deep my soul..fear of being hurt.. fear that things may not turn out right.. i've always been so secretive.. hide my emotions with my happy disposition.. maybe i'm too proud to accept that i made a mistake.. or maybe this is just me.. sticking to my wrong decision even if it will lead me to hell.. or maybe my optimism is holding me to keep on fighting a long and hopeless battle..

my journey

almost two years.. of happy memories.. memories that I will surely treasure for the rest of my life. memories of the people who contributed much to my character.. my purpose..my life.. my future..

i am always been a dreamer.. an idealist and an optimist.. because of those characters.. i had to stand and stick to my decisions..i had mitch at a very young age of 13.. and blessed with real gorgeous kids.. i had my jeff at 15 and my justinee at 18.. to me they're the sole reason of my existence.. my whole world evolves around them.. i had my first job when i was 20.. then i realized that life really is not a bed of roses.. that fairy tale does not exist.. and that you will have to go for the race.. and so i succeed..

because of those characters.. i find it very hard to decide what i want.. and i'm grateful that because of those i made a wise decision that i will never ever regret.. i had to be a full time mom to my kids who were at that time in pre school.. to be with them in their formative years as i believe that i am the one responsible to mold to become men of character as this will be their weapon life's battle..

but as i go along with my journey.. surprised that i still can't find the real me.. i felt that there is something missing.. and that i had to search for whatever is it that's missing.. three years of being a super mom.. i decided to go on searching for the real me.. after three years of living routinely.. i had to bring the values that i needed in my search..

and a new chapter opened in nov 2006...

to my dearest MOM...

Many times in my life I have disappointed you,
and begun to stray.
But you have pointed me in the right direction,
and sent me on my way.

Many times in my life I've needed a helping hand,
and someone to pull me up.
It was you who gave that helping hand,
and always cheered me up.

Many times I've been sad and down,
and taken it out on you.
But you stood by me and comforted me,
In times that I was bad.

Many times I've needed support,
and to know someone was there.
It was you who held me up,
and showed me how to care.

Many times I've wanted to tell you this,
But never got a chance.
You have helped me out in life,
and got me where I am.

You were there for me through thick and thin,
You never gave up on me and you taught me how to care.
From the deepest of my heart I want to say I love you,
And to thank you for being there for me in times of good or bad.

I love you MOM!

mask...

A mask of plastic happiness often covers her sadness
Her beliefs hidden from most
Afraid of, but willing to face the unknown
Wondering where her place is in this life
She has come close to sharing herself
Never completely revealing anything to anyone
Feelings of invisible chains corner her
When she dreams, reality shatters before her very eyes
Accomplishments she strives for just at hands grasp
She feels lost sometimes, not yet finding her notch in this world
At times the glimmer in her calm eyes slowly disappears
But within her heart a silent flame burns her inside and out
She roams day by day, playing roles
Strength unknowingly resides in her
History repeats itself once again
The translucent veil she so proudly wears
Little by little answers will come, pushing it aside
One day there will be no more mask for her to wear
One day her beliefs will be known
One day she'll know her place in this life
One day she will share herself
ONE DAY this mask will be NO MORE

the person i longed to be...

The day light breaks again
Another day has begun.

But still no sleep has come.
My body is weary.

My mind overworked.
I lie awake thinking.

But what I am unsure.
I need to break free from the cycle I endure.

Everyday is the same and the nights are undistinguished.
I feel as though I am being pushed along with the tide

Unable to break free from the everyday flow.
This is not me I need to change, before time takes over

And I am unable to change.
I need to be freed from the grasp of ordinary

And become that person I have always longed for.
Express myself in every way, and conquer the dreams as I lie awake.

Then I may fall asleep and put my mind to rest.
Make changes in my life and help those in need.

I would like to touch everyone's life in a positive way
And leave my mark on society before I fade away.

I will truly miss all of you...

grief no more..

Life is cruel at times.. cruelty that sometimes leads one to his grave.. this cruelty also leads one to bring out the best in him.. but good if this is the case.. right? So many children have been victims of slavery, hunger, deprived of their rights and most of all deprived of it's own mother's love! See how cruel life is? See how this poor little fellas suffered from the works of Satan..

This reality torn my heart into pieces, made my pleasant emotions turned to grief.. grief that turned into a anger and anger turned into an unexplainable feeling of emptiness.. I was once a victim of life's cruelty.. once a child longing for a complete and happy family.. i wasn't longing for riches.. for fine dresses.. i wasn't longing for more.. i had nothing but emptiness..but that emptiness serves as a shield that protected me against everything..

But that was years ago.. little had I known that the experience I had brought me here.. in the world where everything seems uncontrollable and unjust.. here I am facing the world with utmost strength and well i guess.. gracefully.. ready to face all the storms the earth may bring..

Grief no more.. this three words are often uttered.. for even I experienced such.. I have the most wonderful parents still.. who taught me that even life is unjust.. that some things are best that way.. taught me the wisdom and shaped a character of a woman.. whom they want me to be...